Ben Sloot

From DFW

“There are these two young fish swimming along, and they happen to meet an older fish swimming the other way, who nods at them and says, ‘Morning, boys. How’s the water?’ And the two young fish swim on for a bit, and then eventually one of them looks over at the other and goes, ‘What the hell is water?’”

David Foster Wallace told this story to illustrate the most obvious, important realities that are often the hardest to see and talk about. Today, I want to talk about the water we’re all swimming in – the constant current of human dissatisfaction, frustration, and shared struggle. But more importantly, I want to talk about how we navigate these waters together.

Because there’s a profound difference between complaining about the water and recognizing that we’re all swimming in it together.

The Invisible Current of Human Experience

We live in an age of perpetual complaint. Social media feeds overflow with grievances. Coffee shops buzz with grumbling. We complain about traffic, weather, politics, work, relationships – the list is endless. But here’s what Wallace understood: the real question isn’t whether we’ll encounter frustration and difficulty. The question is how conscious we are of our response to it.

The water we’re swimming in is the fundamental human condition – the reality that life is often hard, unfair, and disappointing. But just like those young fish, we often don’t even recognize we’re in it.

Complaining: Swimming Against the Current

Complaining is what happens when we’re unconscious of the water. It’s our default mode – automatic, reflexive, and ultimately isolating. When we complain, we’re essentially saying, “This shouldn’t be happening to me. I deserve better than this water.”

Complaining is:

• Self-focused: It centers our personal grievance
• Blame-oriented: It seeks someone or something to fault
• Solution-resistant: It feeds on the problem rather than addressing it
• Contagious but isolating: It spreads negativity while creating distance between people

Think about the last time someone complained to you extensively. How did it feel? Draining, right? That’s because complaining creates what I call “emotional quicksand” – the more we struggle against our circumstances through complaint, the deeper we sink.

Commiserating: Swimming Together

Commiserating, on the other hand, is what happens when we become conscious of the water we’re all swimming in. It’s the recognition that struggle is universal, that difficulty is part of the human condition we share.

Commiserating is:

• Collectively aware: It acknowledges our shared experience
• Empathy-driven: It seeks connection through understanding
• Resilience-building: It strengthens our capacity to navigate challenges
• Healing and bonding: It creates genuine human connection

When we commiserate, we’re saying, “Yes, this water is cold and rough sometimes. I see that you’re struggling with it too. We’re in this together.”

The Transformation: From “Why Me?” to “We Too”

The shift from complaining to commiserating requires what Wallace called “a choice about how to think.” It demands conscious awareness of our default settings and deliberate practice in choosing a different response.

This isn’t about toxic positivity or pretending everything is fine. It’s about recognizing that our individual struggles are part of a larger human story. When your commute is terrible, instead of just complaining about traffic, you might acknowledge that thousands of other people are sitting in the same frustration right now – and that recognition can transform isolation into connection.

The Neuroscience of Shared Struggle

Research shows us that when we shift from complaint to commiseration, something remarkable happens in our brains. Complaining activates our stress response and reinforces neural pathways associated with negativity and helplessness. But when we engage in genuine commiseration – acknowledging shared difficulty with empathy – we activate our social bonding systems and build psychological resilience.

Studies on social support reveal that it’s not the absence of problems that creates well-being, but rather the presence of understanding connection in the face of those problems.

Practical Wisdom: Swimming Lessons for Daily Life

How do we make this shift in our daily lives?

Listen for the water: Start noticing when you or others are complaining. Ask yourself: “Are we just thrashing against the current, or are we acknowledging the reality of our shared experience?”

Change your language: Instead of “This always happens to me,” try “This is really challenging, and I imagine others struggle with this too.” Instead of “People are so stupid,” try “We’re all trying to figure this out.”

Seek connection, not solution: Sometimes the goal isn’t to fix the problem immediately, but to feel less alone in facing it.

Practice conscious attention: As Wallace reminded us, the real education is learning how to think, how to choose what to pay attention to. Choose to see the humanity in shared struggle.

The Deeper Current: What We’re Really Swimming Toward

Here’s the profound thing about shifting from complaint to commiseration: it changes not just how we handle problems, but how we understand our fundamental purpose as human beings. When we recognize that we’re all swimming in the same challenging waters, we stop fighting the current and start swimming together toward something larger than our individual grievances.

We swim toward compassion. Toward understanding. Toward the recognition that our struggles, when shared consciously, become sources of connection rather than isolation.

Closing: The Choice We Make Every Day

David Foster Wallace ended his speech by saying, “It is about the real value of a real education, which has almost nothing to do with knowledge, and everything to do with simple awareness.”

Every day, we choose how to navigate the waters of human experience. We can complain our way into isolation, thrashing against currents that affect us all. Or we can commiserate our way into connection, acknowledging that while the water may be rough, we’re not swimming alone.

The water is still water. The struggles are still real. But when we’re conscious of it, when we name it together, when we stop pretending we’re the only ones getting wet – that’s when we discover that the water we thought was drowning us might actually be buoying us up.

The fish who knows about water swims differently than the fish who doesn’t. And the human who understands the difference between complaining and commiserating? They live differently too.

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk